I’m Fine

above: drawing by the author

Note from the author: I wrote this piece during my fall semester, 2015. I was going through a really dark patch. However, the creation of this piece was a capitulation – it was a release and a relief. I wanted to put this piece out there because it is very true, and I know that there are others out there who feel the same way. The way that I carried myself after writing this was how I managed to surpass the darkness that I was experiencing. Also, to just put some reassurance out there, I want to say that everything will be okay. Just keep your chin up, henceforth, to a positive future. Much love, Jo

I’m Fine

I’m fine.

You know, I’m over being sad all the time. Everyone asks me how I’m doing and I always reply, “I’m fine.” Aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, and the crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen.

I guess I’m just tired.

Tired of being b**ched about behind my back.

Tired of being laughed at.

Tired of being seen as different.

Tired of feeling ugly.

Tired of being ignored.

Tired of feeling unloved.

Tired of no one caring.

Tired of pretending to be happy when all I want to do is break the f**k down. However, I fear that if I do it’s going to be harder to rise from that than to just pretend that I’m fine all the time. But truth is,

I’m not okay.

I’m tired of hearing that sometimes really bad things happen to really amazing people. That’s just s**t to me at this point. When does it end? Where’s the f**king light at the end of the f**king tunnel? Truth is, I don’t believe there is a light at the end of no damn tunnel. I don’t know what it is anyway so why keep trampling around for nothing when I don’t even know what I’m reaching for?

A lot of people tell me “I’m here for you”… It’s a lie.

A great part of me is already dead. And the part that’s alive is not worth living for.

I just can’t live with myself anymore.

I’m just tired.

I feel lost inside of myself.

I’m mentally done with my life.

I give up.

But don’t worry, I’m fine.